Brad Reed

Well, this qualifies as "a new low":

Iraq has replaced Afghanistan as the training ground for the next generation of "professionalized" terrorists, according to a report released yesterday by the National Intelligence Council, the CIA director's think tank.

Iraq provides terrorists with "a training ground, a recruitment ground, the opportunity for enhancing technical skills," said David B. Low, the national intelligence officer for transnational threats. "There is even, under the best scenario, over time, the likelihood that some of the jihadists who are not killed there will, in a sense, go home, wherever home is, and will therefore disperse to various other countries."

Low's comments came during a rare briefing by the council on its new report on long-term global trends. It took a year to produce and includes the analysis of 1,000 U.S. and foreign experts. Within the 119-page report is an evaluation of Iraq's new role as a breeding ground for Islamic terrorists.

Predicted Bush Administration reactions:

1.) "The National Intelligence Council hates freedom."
2.) "Iraq hasn't really replaced Afghanistan as the major training ground for terrorists- the NIC was just guessing."
3.) "Saddam Hussein was a bad man."
4.) "Things will get better once we invade Syria."

Any other suggestions?

How much do I love Amazon.com?

Without them, I'd have had to pay money to read the exciting first chapter of A Parent's Guide to Preventing Homosexuality by Dr. Joseph Nicolosi:

At the very heart of the homosexual condition is conflict about gender. In the boy, we usually see a gender wound that traces back to childhood. He comes to see himself as different from other boys.

So if your son is "different" from other boys, he's likely gay. Discourage his individuality and plop him in front of FOX News all day.

Gender woundedness usually exists as a secret, silent fear- one that the boy's parents and loved ones only vaguely suspect. The boy has felt this way for as long as he can remember. That differentness creates a feeling of inferiority and isolates him from other males.

You'd think that feeling isolated from other males would make you less likely to turn gay, but apparently not! If your child doesn't join the high school football team (where he's forced to participate in "the elephant walk" and other completely non-homoerotic hazing rituals), he's on what Fredreich Hayek called "the Road to Gaydom" (or something like that).

Next, Dr. Joe tells us the tragic story of a woman who called him because her son was "different":

"Doctor... he's a beautiful little boy, a speical child. But..." She hesitated. "Stevie's fascinated by little-girl things. Even more so than my daughters. In fact, he just loves the colors pink and red. He even... well, plays with Barbie dolls, and... dances around the house on tiptoes like a ballerina."

Likes pink, plays with Barbies, shows an interest in ballet... DING! We have three cliched gay stereotypes in one anecdote! That proves it: the kid's a flamer.

As gently as possible, I replied, "The odds are that, without intervention, a boy like Stevie has a 75 percent of growing up homosexual, bisexual or transgender. Gender nonconformity is often a sign of..."

"So that means he'll be a homosexual? Then there's no hope?"

*enter tragic violin music*

"He may, but not necessarily. There's still time to help him feel more comfortable with his maleness."

I'm not sure what this entails. When I want to feel more comfortable with my maleness, I wear loose pants. Ain't nothing worse than a nutsack wedgie. But let's see what Dr. Joe has to say.

Stevie's mom said, "My husband, Bill, is right here. Do you want to talk to him?" She asked her husband to pick up the phone and quickly summarized for him what I had just told her. "Bill, this psychologist says Stevie could become gay."

Put yourself in Bill's shoes. You just got home from a long day of work. Your feet ache. You just wanted a quiet night of Monday Night Football and nachos.

Then your wife calls a nutty fundamentalist crank and tells you your son's gay.

Would you actually pick up the phone and talk to this crazy freakbag?

No, you wouldn't. And that's why you're not Bill.

"So what can we do?" asked the father, his voice gruff. He sounded like a man of action. Then he immediately answered his own question. "We'll come to your office."

I told him that would be a good idea.

Not surprising, since Dr. Joe makes his living by conning parents into paying him to make their kids straight.

Dr. Joe then gives Bill some... interesting... advice on how to make his son more male:

He needs to mirror and affirm his son's maleness. He can play rough-and-tumble games with his son- games that are decidedly different from those he would play with a little girl.

And if you catch him baking a keish quiche*, slap him!

He can help his son learn to throw and catch a ball.

Playing with balls. Very manly indeed.

He can teach his toddler how to pound a wooden peg into a hole in a wooden pegboard.

But make sure to give the pegboard a woman's name, like Jenny, so he doesn't get any funny ideas.

Or he can take his son with him into the shower, where the boy cannot help but noticing that Dad has a male body, just like his.

Two guys showering together... nothing gay about that!

As a result, the son will learn more of what it means to be a man.

So if I don't shower with another dude at least once a week, my masculinity will shrivel up and die.

"This," he will think, "is the way boys- and men- are made."

Actually, he'll probably think, "Why does daddy keep showing me his ding-dong?"

Psychologists call this process "incorporating masculinity into a sense of self" (or "masculine introjection"), and it is an essential part of growing up straight.

Actually, most psychologists call it "inane quackery," but close enough.

The penis is the essential part of masculinity- the unmistakable difference between male and female.

Unless we're talking about Ann Coulter.

This undeniable anatomical difference should be emphasized to the boy in therapy.

"You have a dick!!! DO YOU HEAR ME??!!! A DIIIIIIIIICK!!!!"

As pschyoanalyst Richard Green has noted, the effeminate boy (whom he bluntly calls "the sissy boy") views his own penis as an alien, mysterious object.

While masculine, manly boys take crayons and write "this is my schlong" and and down their penises.

If he does not succeed in "owning" his own penis, he will grow into an adult who will find continuing fascination in the penises of other men.

Either that or he'll sell it to Satan. Which, according to Dr. Joe, just as bad as being gay.

So, as a straight male, what have I learned from this?

1.) Because my dad never forced me to shower with him, I'm probably a closet case.
2.) If I don't wake up every day and proudly declare, "I own my penis," I'm in danger of becoming gay.
3.) If I have a kid, I should teach him to play with his balls.

Thanks, Dr. Joe!

*Thanks, K. Last time I use Google for a spell-checker... ;-)

If you want to learn more about Social Security, I recommend reading what Kevin Drum has to say.

I think Social Security is more of a long-term problem than he says it is, but he's very fair and incredibly informative.

I've been doing some research on social security, and I have to say: I can see where the privatizers are coming from.

Yeah, I know the system isn't in "crisis" like Bush says it is, and the U.S. Treasury bonds that comprise the Social Security Trust Fund are far from "worthless I.O.U.'s." And sure, Medicare is in far, far worse shape.

But the reality is, in order to cash in those Trust Fund bonds, the government is going to need to raise extra money from somewhere, whether it comes from raising taxes or borrowing from foreign creditors. This will, of course, put more drag on our economy.

But in the end, all the well-reasoned privatization arguments of the Cato Institute are moot.

Why, you ask?

Because, no matter how good an idea is, it will be completely ruined if the person in charge of implementing it is George W. Bush.

Brad DeLong seems to be on the same page, and he puts it far more eloquently than I can:

We've seen what Bush administration proposals turn into. We've seen it turn a surplus into a deficit. We've seen its idea of a farm bill. We've seen its steel tariff--bad economics, bad mercantilism, and bad politics. We've seen the recent corporate tax monstrosity. We've seen the Medicare drug benefit. We've heard from Paul O'Neill. We've heard from John DiIulio. The Bush administration is batting as close to a zero on economic policy as an administration can--and economic policy is the bright spot in this administration.

So one's assessment of what the Bush Social Security "reform" plan is going to be must be more-or-less like this: it may look cute and friendly now, but it won't stay cute and friendly for long. Somehow--we're not sure how--it's gonna get mean. It's going to get ugly. And it's going to get stupid. The chances that whatever the Bush administration proposes and the Republican Congressional leadership gets behind will be good for the country are indistinguishable from zero.

Absolutely right. Bush could propose adopting 101 homeless puppies to live in the White House and I'd oppose it. Because, as much as my heart aches for the homeless puppies, I know Bush would forget to feed them.

Yo, yo, yo!

The American Family Association wants you to check this new cartoon that makes learning about God mad dope:

HoopDogz follows the life of a 9-year-old pup named V.J. Bumpus who lives in the small urban neighborhood of Wobble Hill with his mother, Yorleen, and his baby brother, Hudney. V.J. spends most of his time with his two best friends -- Weiner, who is flighty, and Trina, who is level-headed. The three share a passion for basketball and enjoy shooting hoops with their pals behind the local HoopDogz Diner, home of the world's first circular hotdog.

Leave aside for a second that a 9-year-old dog is not technically be a "puppy."

Don't you think V.J. Bumpus bares a striking resemblance to Homer Simpson's failed alter-ego, Poochie?



I'd say "expect a lawsuit," but since nobody really cares about either Poochie of HoopDogz, I doubt we'll see it.

But with Rupert Murdoch's rampant greed, who knows?

Anyway, back to HoopDogz:

V.J.'s Grandpa Moe, who operates the diner, keeps an eye on the pups as their real-life experiences teach them biblical truths based on the Ten Commandments.

Rumors that Carey Roberts has been cast to voice Grandpa Moe could not be confirmed at this time.


"Women are wicked and duplicitous, V.J., don't you forget it!"

The first lesson learned by Chad Dimple and Rebecca Ruth St. Ester Eve alongside V.J. and his friends focuses on the second commandment that is presented in the series' first episode titled, "God Good, Idols Bad."

The second episode is called, "God Good, You No Need Grammar."

The episode opens with the concert of music idol Mad Doggy Dog. V.J. and Weiner are seen bowing down to the rock star as he performs on television. V.J. spends all of his saved allowance to buy a Mad Doggy Dog action figure, leaving him no money to buy his mother a birthday present.

Mad Doggy Dog is most famous for his hit "Kibblez and Juice," with the lyrics:

"Spend so much time humpin' L-E-G's,
It's kinda hard bein' Mad D-O-single-G,
But I, somehow, someway,
Find a new ass to sniff nearly every single day."

You won't hear any of these songs in the first HoopDogz episode, but you can buy Drop It Like It's 2 Hott for TV: The Hoopdogz Outtakes if you want all the dirty stuff.

V.J. values the figurine as a prized possession and decides it would be even more perfect if adorned with a personal autograph from Mad Doggy Dog.

So V.J., Weiner, and Trina go to the local Wobble Hill venue where Mad Doggy Dog is performing in concert and do all they can to get an autograph. After a failed attempt, the dogs are allowed in Mad Doggy Dog's dressing room where they anxiously await his return only to find that he is nothing more than a fake.

Specifically, Mad Dog was mackin' it with a bunch of bitches (literally).

"I was worried about a great big phony, and I ignored the person I cared about most," V.J. says after forgoing his mother's surprise birthday party in order to get Mad Dog's autograph.

But then he found a sex tape for sale on Ebay featuring Mad Dog and his mom and he felt less bad.

Chad Dimple and Rebecca Ruth St. Ester Eve learn the same lesson after attempting to sell statues of their own heads as a reminder not to have idols.

...

Uuuuuuuuh...

Trina sets them straight, and everyone learns the importance of only worshiping the one true God.

As a conclusion to the episode, V.J. and the Wobble Hill gang are very straightforward in their message of the Ten Commandments and present a biblical account directly from Exodus.

Oo, oo, I hope it's Exodus 21:17 ("And he that curseth his father, or his mother, shall surely be put to death.")!

"God loves people so much He gave some basic rules to keep us safe and live good, happy lives," Grandpa Moe says. "When we have the one true God in our lives, there is no need for man-made substitutes."

"Unless he's president George W. Bush!"

At any rate, this is only the first of ten HoopDogz episodes. The remaining nine will deal with the rest of the Commandments, including adultery (in "Yo' Mama's a Ho, V.J.," V.J. catches his mom freaking with the mailman) and murder (in "Your Squeaky Toy or Your Life," V.J. busts a cap in the head of a rival posse's leader).

Word!

Here's another useful campaign from the American Family Association:

Increasingly, offensive billboards are popping up in towns all across America. Particularly, radio stations use this medium to promote their station with scantily clad photos and offensive language.

As we all know, offensive language is a great way to promote your station. I used to promote my college show with the slogan, "Fucking Tune Me In, You Cunts!"

AFA suggests two ways to address offensive billboards in the local community, particularly radio station boards that contain sexual content: Industry approach and local approach.

Both involve being annoying and lame, however.

The industry approach

Pro-Family Leaders representing 30 million U.S. families have met with the Executive Board of the Outdoor Advertiser Association of America (OAAA) and presented the following "Code of Ethical Conduct" to the OAAA and requested all of their members to make this code their corporate policy.

If 30 million American families are really this insulted by dirty billboards, shouldn't that lead to a drop in the offending companies' sales?

Oh wait, I forgot that businesses are more interested in destroying the American family than turning a profit.

Because outdoor advertising is an influential medium with a high profile in our urban, suburban and rural environments, and thus has a major impact on the standards, lifestyles and quality of life of our communities, the members of this association will not display ads that:

-Present children in a sexual pose or situation.

Since I'm pretty sure that this qualifies as kiddie porn, I don't think we have to worry too much about it.

-Show contours of male genitals pressing against underwear or other tight clothing.

Like... this???



BWAH-HA-HA!!! I FORCED YOU TO STARE AT A GIANT CROTCH!!!!

-Focus on or emphasize the genital or pubic area, buttocks or female breast.

Naughty, naughty!



Evil Calvin Klein! How dare you make us look at attractive women!

-Show, give appearance of, describe or suggest urination, excretory activities or explicit sexual conduct.

This is referring to Folgers' ill-advised "so warm and fresh, it's like smearing crap on your face" campaign.

-In addition, because of the urban blight, increased crime and decreased property values proven to be caused by sexually oriented businesses such as adult bookstores, "gentleman's clubs" or striptease shows (as judicially noted by the U.S. Supreme Court in the case of Renton v. Playtime Inc., 1986), we will not accept advertisements from such businesses.

"And because images of black people scare us and hurt our property values, we want them off billboards too."

OAAA members own 90% of all billboards in the U.S. and the following procedure was agreed upon by OAAA members when dealing with citizen complaints:

-Take three (3) photos of the offensive billboard, keeping one (1) for your records.

-Obtain the name of the billboard company, address, phone, etc., that owns the billboard.

Man, being an uptight prude is so... time-consuming...

-Obtain the exact address of the billboard's location, including city and state... a nation-wide file is being accumulated.

That's gotta be a fun portfolio. Thousands and thousands of groin close-ups... *shudders*

Anyway, that was the "corporate approach" to whining about dirty billboards. Here's the "local approach":

The local approach

The most common offensive billboards are those placed by the local rock radio stations. Most often, the station implies or uses women's breasts to hype the "morning crew."

After all, most men listen to the radio for one reason: to watch breasts.

By using the following suggestions, it is possible to encourage the radio station to remove or change the billboard.

It's possible, but most of the time they'll laugh at your silly ass.

You must be prepared to dedicate yourself to winning this battle. It will require hard work, but our children's welfare is worth it!

You must be out of your goddamned mind! You must look like you live in a bombed-out pharmaceutical factory!

-Contact the station manager and politely ask him to remove or change it to better reflect community standards. (In reality, you can expect plenty of excuses and no promises, but at least you tried.)

You can also expect to be called "an uptight fuckwad" and have your call mocked on the boob-loving morning show.

-Begin a letter writing campaign to advertisers who are on the station. Ask them to distance themselves from being associated with stations that promote pornographic messages.

Don't go to work or contribute anything useful to society. Spend all your time crusading against breasts on a billboard. Mortgage your house if you must.

-Consider taping and reviewing the advertised morning show for content. Monitor the show for indecent sexual language, then file a formal complaint against the station with the Federal Communications Commission.

Bottom line: your child's future depends on how much of a pain in the ass you can be to everyone else.

Here's the actual advertisement for "The Rod," America's favorite child-smacking device:

( Read more... )

The Boston Globe reports that fundamentalist Christian catalogs are selling specialized "rods" you can use to whack your disobedient child:

On a spring day, Susan Lawrence was flipping through a magazine, Home School Digest, when she came across an advertisement that took her breath away. In it, "The Rod," a $5 flexible whipping stick, was described as the "ideal tool for child training."

"Spoons are for cooking, belts are for holding up pants, hands are for loving, and rods are for chastening," read the advertisement she saw nearly two years ago for the 22-inch nylon rod. It also cited a biblical passage, which instructs parents not to spare the "rod of correction."

That is too cool.

But why stop at rods? I've got an idea that'll make a fortune:

GOT SINNERS IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD?

Wanna make 'em repent... in public?

You can bring 'em to their knees in accordance with God's will with the help of the authentic Old Testament Public Stoning Kit!


Above: Stones bearing messages of God's love.

It's easy! It's fun! It's Bible-approved! Check out what God commanded the Israelites to do to an adulterous woman:

"Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die: because she hath wrought folly in Israel, to play the whore in her father's house: so shalt thou put evil away from among you." (Deuteronomy 22:21)

The Israelites enacted God's will through their legal system: and now you can too!

While Jesus did stop people from stoning an adulterer to death in John 8:7 ("He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her."), we've figured a way around this loophole: if all parties involved take communion prior to the stoning (thus absolving them of their sins), they will be without sin and ready to stone!

For just $19.95, we'll send you a sack of 20 stones, each hand-crafted for maximum cranial impact! For just another five dollars, we'll throw in a do-it-yourself communion kit, complete with wafers and wine chalice! Extra bags of stones are only two dollars apiece!

Let's hear what some of our clients had to say about The Old Testament Public Stoning Kit:

Barbara Stock, registered nurse: "We had a coupla Godless Democrats holding Kerry signs at our town hall this November. In the old days, we'd have had to get a 'stoning permit' from the mayor to chuck rocks at their hedonist asses. The Stoning Kit made everything so easy, and now my town is populated only by Republicans!

Jen Shroder, crazed mother: "Me and my friends went hunting for Satanists in my neighborhood. In the old days, you'd have to have a trial, and the witches would get off easy by being burned to death. The Old Testament Stoning Kit stripped away all the bureaucracy, and now my neighborhood is pure again!

Carey Roberts, smelly old crank: "I'm really really old!! Feminists have ruined my life!!!"

Because selling rocks for the purpose of stoning is "illegal" under secular law, this offer will not last long! Order now, before we go to jail!

The Old Testament Public Stoning Kit: Stops Sinners Stone Cold!

UPDATE: These bastards beat me to it. Oh well. I've got the folks at Renew America endorsing my version at least.

Over at Renew America, Barbara Stock mocks crazy Islamic conspiracy theories, apparently not appreciating the irony of it all:

Muslims say the most amazing things
Barbara J. Stock
January 7, 2005

I suggest to my readers that each day they seek out an Islamic website and read at least one article that is posted there. I have been asked by friends, "Where do you find this drivel?" Well, I actively seek out this "drivel." It is the only way to know what is going on in the minds of two main branches of Islam. The first branch, made up of elite Muslims, is the one feeding the fertilizer it passes off as truth to the second branch, the Muslim masses.

This is the same way I study American wingnuts: I look at what the elite nutters at Townhall.com and World Net Daily are saying and then watch the second-tier wingnut masses at Renew America and Men's News Daily pick it up and make it even loonier.

One Islamic blog just recently posted an article about how evil American soldiers partnered with evil American physicians, are rampaging across Iraq killing people for the sole reason of stealing and selling their internal organs to horrible, greedy Americans. The blog reported that a "top secret" European military intelligence group told a Syrian newspaper all about it and claimed Fallujah was littered with mutilated Iraqi bodies with their internal organs stolen!

One wingnut posted an article recommending we nuke Iran after reading a story in The Weekly World News.

Now before you laugh, there will be Muslims who will read this article about organ theft and they will believe every word in that article. Just the simple logistics of such an undertaking makes the entire idea laughable to people who understand what goes into transplanting a viable kidney or heart. However, to the uneducated, it will seem plausible. Of course, the article was written and then plastered up on Islamic sites to enrage uneducated Muslims and convince them that Americans are just animals that must to be killed for the good of humanity. Of course, only Muslims are considered "human."

But when you write articles about starting a "final crusade" against Islam, that's OK.

One of the themes of this "be careful or some American will steal your kidney" tripe is that Iraqi organs are taken for profit. I refer all Muslims to The National Organ Transplant Act (Public Law 98-507) which forbids the sale of any organ. Prison time awaits anyone caught trying to sell any human organ. Is no consideration given to how extremely fragile human organs make the trip from Iraq to the United States? Are they sent via Federal Express or by regular mail?

Now, I don't believe the United States is stealing Iraqis' organs. But that doesn't make Barbara any less retarded. Evidence:

1.) If the U.S. government wanted to steal Iraqis' organs for profit, I doubt any domestic law would stop them. After all, we have laws against torturing people too. Look how much good that did.

2.) Barbara has never heard of courier services, which make money by shipping human organs for transplant.

And that's not the worst of it! Wait 'til you hear what she says next:

The final word on this topic is this: kidneys taken from Iraqis probably would not be suitable for the average American of European decent. This is not because Iraqi kidneys are inferior, but because of the simple fact that people are genetically more similar to people of their own ethnicity.

Excuse me for a second- I just shat out my brains and have to clean them off the chair...

*scrape-scrape* *splat-splat*

Oh man, does this smell bad...

*plop-plop* *FWWWWWUMP!*

One more piece of irony before I pass out: if you look at Barbara's bio, you'll discover she's a registered nurse. If there's a better argument against limiting damages on medical malpractice lawsuits, I haven't heard it.

OK, that's about all I can take from Rewew America for a while. Plus, I have to find a new brain somewhere. Better make sure it's of American or European "decent," though, I'd hate to have an organ from someone not of my ethnicity.

This is just awesome:

Seeking to build support among black families for its education reform law, the Bush administration paid a prominent black pundit $240,000 to promote the law on his nationally syndicated television show and to urge other black journalists to do the same.

The campaign, part of an effort to promote No Child Left Behind (NCLB), required commentator Armstrong Williams "to regularly comment on NCLB during the course of his broadcasts," and to interview Education Secretary Rod Paige for TV and radio spots that aired during the show in 2004.

Williams said Thursday he understands that critics could find the arrangement unethical, but "I wanted to do it because it's something I believe in."

The top Democrat on the House Education Committee, Rep. George Miller of California, called the contract "a very questionable use of taxpayers' money" that is "probably illegal." He said he will ask his Republican counterpart to join him in requesting an investigation.

While some people may look with horror as our government pays pundits to spew its propaganda, I see this as an opportunity.

I need money to get me through grad school. The Bush Administration needs to pay people to promote its crappy policies. Let's do business.

Because BradBlog 3000 only reaches about 20 people (most of whom either live in the U.K. or won't support your ideas anyway), my bribes will be far less expensive than the $240,000 you paid Williams. Here are my rates (open to negotiation, of course):

-$5 per post promoting Social Security privatization (face it, you're gonna need all the help you can get)

-$7 per post scolding the heartless liberal media for covering only the bad news in Iraq while not covering the painting of another Iraqi school

-$2 per post that shifts blame for any Bush Administration scandal onto Bill Clinton and/or the liberal media

-$10 per post promoting abstinence-only education... make that $15, actually... that's gonna be really painful...

-$20 per post referring to America as "a Christian Nation."

Whatcha think, guys? E-mail me at brad.reed@gmail.com. Let's talk.

Renew America takes a look back at 2004 and calls it an unqualified success:

Similarly, RenewAmerica itself generates extensive linking through Google News every time an original article is posted by our staff.

Hmmm, could that be because a whole crapload of people with too much time on their hands make mocking Renew America columnists their hobby?

(The answer is "yes," if you didn't know.)

World Net Daily has found another nefarious plot to turn your children in homosexuals, this one involving popular characters like Barney the Dinosaur and SpongeBob:

In a new video to be distributed to 61,000 schools across the nation, homosexual activists are using popular children's TV characters such as SpongeBob SquarePants and Barney the dinosaur to surreptitiously indoctrinate young children into their lifestyle, a pro-family activist group charges.

SpongeBob buggers Barney! Say it ain't so!

Based on the 1970s hit song "We Are Family," the video will be distributed to public and private elementary schools nationwide March 11, along with lesson plans for teachers, points out the American Family Association.

The distribution, sponsored by FedEx, will coincide with the video's broadcast March 11 on Nickelodeon, PBS, and the Disney Channel in celebration of the proposed National We Are Family Day.

You may notice that we're three paragraphs into the article, and Wingnut Daily has yet to list one concrete example of how SpongeBob and Barney are being used to "indoctrinate young children" into the homosexual lifestyle.

AFA researcher Ed Vitagliano sees the project as an "open door" to a secondary discussion of homosexuality, noting the the foundation has a "tolerance pledge" on its website that children and others are encouraged to sign, which includes sexual orientation.

Here is the "tolerance pledge" from the website:

To help keep diversity a wellspring of strength and make America a better place for all, I pledge to have respect for people whose abilities, beliefs, culture, race, sexual identity or other characteristics are different from my own.

So apparently if you're not taught to actively hate and despise gay people, you'll be indoctrinated into their lifestyle. So that's why I've been listening to so much Madonna lately...

Let's continue:

"While we want everyone to respect other people's beliefs, we do not consider it appropriate for children's television to be used in an effort to indoctrinate children to accept homosexuality," he said.

Vitagliano says the foundation is employing a bait-and-switch approach, with popular children's figures such as Arthur, Dora the Explorer, JoJo, Clifford the Big Red Dog, Big Bird and Bob the Builder.

The objective is to get children to the foundation's website "and there they're given the full pitch about homosexuality," he said.

Gay people are sneaky like that. First they tell you not to hate them. Within a week, you're dressing in drag and attending Indigo Girls concerts.

Not convinced that the "tolerance pledge" alone was enough to make children gay, I decided to troll "We Are Family's" website to search for secret messages promoting gayness (and such messages are inevitably "secret" and "coded" because gay people always use mind control tactics and subliminal messages to make people not hate them).

Here's the evidence I gathered:

1.) The "We Are Family" logo!!!:



As you can see, it's a rainbow-colored heart. Rainbows are a sure sign of gayness, which is why all God-fearing Christians should avoid buying Lucky Charms cereal at all costs:


"They're always after me lucky charms an' me collection of Cher records!"


2.) THE VILLAGE PEOPLE!!!

Check out this photo of the Village People attending a "We Are Family" event:



This speaks for itself.

3.) BARNEY!!!!

While I can't prove that Barney actively promotes gayness, I do know that this picture on the PBS website makes him look French! And if there's one thing God-fearing, FOX News-watching Americans hate more than gay people, IT'S THE FRENCH!!! So not only is "We are Family" promoting homosexuality, but outright treason!!!!


"Sacre bleu! I know notheeng of zees 'traditional American family values' of wheech you speak!"

So there you have it: everything in the entire world (including "We Are Family" sponsors Bob Dole and Orin Hatch) is conspiring to make your kids gay. To save them, you'll have to homeschool them and never ever let them out of the house, unless they're going to their day job at Focus on the Family.

Did you know that the week of October 26-November 2 is officially recognized by the government as "Protection from Pornography Week"</a>?

Don't belive me? Ask President Bush:

NOW, THEREFORE, I, GEORGE W. BUSH, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim October 26 through November 1, 2003, as Protection From Pornography Week.

This would be funny if Bush were a Renew America columnist, but he's the President of the United States.

*sigh*

As promised, here is Part II of today's Renew America Spectacular!

Mary Mostert, a good Christian if there ever was one, uses the tsunami tragedy to advocate quarantining homosexuals, drug addicts and fornicators. Heil Jesus!

Who's to blame for tsunami and AIDS deaths for 2004?

Mary Mostert
January 4, 2005

The world hasn't quite had time to figure out exactly what to make of the devastating 9.0 earthquake in the Indian Ocean, that according to reports has killed more than 155,000 people and caused the earth to wobble on its axis...

Actually, most people have called it a tragedy and donated money to the relief effort instead of writing columns for the Alan Keyes website.

...but some writers are beginning to try to analyze its meaning. The Wall Street Journal offers two possible points of view.

Unlike Renew America, which prides itself in offering impossible points of view.

Daniel Henninger observes on the last day of 2004 in a piece entitled Why we Need Politics: "Here's some context for 2004: The number of human beings who died of HIV/AIDS in sub-Saharan Africa was about two million. The number of people who died of bad water and bad sanitation was more than two million. These deaths broke families and even whole communities with a force as hard as that in Sumatra this week. What is the answer? ...In the aftermath of 2004's too-numerous unnatural deaths, the only resolution possible is to re-enter the arena of politics and fight the good, slow fight. It's all we've got, and it is enough."

This makes too much sense, so Mary won't likely endorse this possible point of view.

Then there were the observations of theologian David B. Hart who asked, also the last day of the year 2004 in the Wall Street Journal, in a piece titled Tremors of Doubt: "What kind of God would allow a deadly tsunami? When confronted by the sheer savage immensity of worldly suffering — when we see the entire littoral rim of the Indian Ocean strewn with tens of thousands of corpses, a third of them children's — no Christian is licensed to utter odious banalities about God's inscrutable counsels or blasphemous suggestions that all this mysteriously serves God's good ends. We are permitted only to hate death and waste and the imbecile forces of chance that shatter living souls..."

This possible point of view makes sense too. Fuhgetaboutit!

On the other hand, Insight Magazine's Martin Sieff asks: "Was the death toll unavoidable? Was the disaster an act of God against which no actions could have been taken?

"The answer to both those questions is quite clearly and simply "No." The technology and level of scientific know-how already exists to have cost-effectively sent warnings that could have saved the lives of tens of thousands."

Once again, all of these people are making too much goddamn sense to be cited in a Renew America column. That's why Mary combines all three possible points of view to create a Satanic Hellbeast point of view:

Now, let's see. While we are trying to figure out who to blame for the 155,000 deaths from the earthquake and tsunami of 2004, literally NO ONE is talking about who to blame for the millions of people who died of AIDS in 2004.

You can guess whom Mary will blame for AIDS deaths: that's right, the victims.

Actually, of course, AIDS is a disease that is clearly preventable by personal behavior. Yet, according to AVERT, an international HIV and AIDS charity that tracks deaths due to the disease, there were 3.1 million deaths from AIDS during 2004, not 2 million, and 4.9 million more people became infected with the human immunodeficiency virus (HIV), which causes AIDS. Eventually, they too will die early, painful deaths.

And well they should for mocking God and voting for Democrats!

We know how AIDS is transmitted and avoiding it is actually quite simple. People who avoid homosexual sex, do not share needles while injecting illegal drugs and who abstain from having sex until marriage and remain faithful to their spouses rarely contract AIDS... While we are being subjected to lots of media stories that attempt to identify God or Nature, insufficient technology or some lone person somewhere in a lab as the villain responsible for the 155,000 deaths from the tsunami, I haven't seen ANY end-of-the-year articles identifying and scolding those responsible for the 3.1 million global AIDS' deaths in 2004.

Perhaps they're not as heartless, ignorant and evil as you are?

And, just who, or what, IS responsible for the AIDS deaths? In the United States, 60% of the AIDS infections acquired in 2004 and the more than half-million AIDS deaths in the past 15 years were caused by homosexual sex, 25% are caused by sharing needles in illegal drug use, and the remaining 15% are caused through heterosexual sex with numerous sex partners. Obviously, since we know what is causing it, stopping the AIDS epidemic should be easy. Millions of lives could be saved if those who participate in homosexual sex, share needles in illegal drug use and have promiscuous heterosexual sex with many partners were quarantined.

OK, OK, try to wrap your head around the logic here. Yes, I know it's one of the most evil things you've ever heard, but let's just go after the underlying logic.

You are most likely to get HIV by being sexually promiscuous or by using dirty needles.

If you don't have lots of unprotected sex or shoot heroin, you're not likely to get AIDS.

So how will quarantining millions of people who have unprotected sex and shoot heroin protect people who don't have lots of unprotected sex and shoot heroin from getting AIDS? What in God's name is she talking about?

After all, people with tuberculosis can receive a quarantine order issued by their County Department of Health that requires them to remain in an institution for at least 6 months, while taking anti-tuberculosis medicines, until they are no longer contagious. Why aren't we doing the same with those infected with HIV?

Maybe because AIDS can't be transmitted by coughing? Are you really this stupid?

Folks, I think we have a new winner for "Most Illogical Renew America Column of All-Time." I know it's got some stiff competition from Jen "Satanists Killed Laci Peterson" Shroder, Carey "Feminists Gave Me Bitch-Tits!" Roberts and Barbara "I Use The Weekly World News As a Source" Stock, but this one gets extra points for sheer evilness.

I'll stop writing about Renew America when they stop writing hilariously fucked-up columns.

But until that sad day comes, here's Part One of today's Renew America Double-Shot of Zaniness:

Carey "Gramps" Roberts is worried that feminists, in collaboration with Communists, the U.N. and the Reverse Vampires, are going to implant mind-control chips in his teeth and force him to bow before the statue of the Holy Goddess Poon-Tang:

Men step aside, the rad-fems are set to win the culture war

Carey Roberts
January 4, 2005

If you want to understand the Culture War, you need to appreciate the ideology, methods, and goals of radical feminism. And to understand feminism, you must understand Marxist philosophy and the history of the Soviet Union.

Hey kids! Want to write columns like Carey Roberts? Just follow these steps:

1.) Have a friend hang you upside-down by your feet in your bedroom.
2.) While upside-down, drink a cocktail of raw eggs, cat urine and ear wax.
3.) Have your friend read Ann Coulter's Treason aloud while spinning you around in circles, all the while playing William Shatner's cover of "Mr. Tambourine Man" in the background.

After you clean the puke off the walls, you'll feel just like Carey: angry, disoriented and really really smelly.

On this last point, I recommend Joshua Muravchik's highly-readable book, Heaven on Earth.

Since all books are, by definition, "highly-readable," and since Carey is illiterate, we can assume he means Heaven on Earth has lots of purty pictures.

There is more to the Culture War than radical feminism, of course. David Horowitz at the Center for the Study of Popular Culture has charted the broad outlines of that multi-faceted conflict. But probe the inner workings of the Leftist movement, and there you will find a feminist heartbeat, pumping hard and strong.

Just like Carey's member after a double-shot of Viagra.

Feminist philosophy now envelopes the mainstream media and the academy. The divisive voice of the Sisterhood can be heard as well in our workplaces, schools, and even in our homes.

The Feminists torment Carey by planting a tape player in his pancreas that plays Virginia Woolf's A Room of One's Own over and over again.

Not even our religious beliefs are immune. Feminists view religion in general, and Christianity in particular, as hopelessly patriarchal. So they have sought to marginalize religion, forcing persons to think twice before they exclaim, "Merry Christmas!"

They even took out the parts of the Bible where Jesus slaps women around for giving Him lip!

There is little about contemporary feminism that can legitimately be viewed as promoting gender equality. Now, the quest for equality has been replaced by neo-Marxist rhetoric of female "liberation" and "empowerment."

Which culminates in radical feminists dragging Carey around on a leash and forcing him to sing "I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar!"

Visit the websites of the National Organization for Women [www.now.org] or the Feminist Majority [www.feminist.org], and you will see the feminist utopia will not be a world that takes kindly to men.

The people at Feminist.org want world where Nigerian women aren't setenced to death for commiting adultery... those evil bitches...

To put this in historical perspective, a mere 20 years ago, 70 countries around the world considered themselves to be Communist, socialist, or social democratic. Then in 1991 the Soviet Empire imploded. Now socialism is receding in all corners of the globe.

But I predict the struggle to counter feminism will be more difficult than the fight against Communism. Why? Because while socialism relied on political, economic, and military tactics, feminism targets the chinks in persons' emotional armor. It preys on women's sense of fear and anger, and on men's feelings of guilt and shame.

Feminists are planning to overthrow the government of Pakistan by calling Pervez Musharraf a bunch of nasty names, thus paving the way for a nuclear-armed Feministan...

Have you ever wondered why the Leftists are so intent on enacting speech codes and so-called "hate speech" laws? Because freedom of speech poses the most formidable obstacle to the continued metastasis of Political Correctness. And therein lies the secret to winning the Culture War.

So here's a New Year's Resolution for all of us. I admit, it's deceptively simple:

Speak out. Call your elected officials. Write a letter to the editor. Sound off. Complain. Be heard. Talk to your friends and neighbors. Exercise your First Amendment rights.

And when your friends, neighbors and local newspapers call you "a miserable crank," you'll know that they're lost to the Feminist Mind Control Machine.

Our consciences are insisting that we cannot afford to remain as silent onlookers while the Culture War continues to rage. Me? I'm doing this for the sake of my kids and grandchildren.

Or in Carey's case, his great, great, great, great grandson, who was born last week.


"Feminism has ruined my life... I'm only 32 years old!"

My proudest achievement ever.

If you Google "Jen Shroder,", my blog ranks fourth.

Over at Renew America, Kaye Grogan opines on America's immigration policy:

Immigration incentives in America . . . too inviting

Kaye Grogan
January 4, 2005

We hear about how lax and unstable our borders are — breeding grounds for terrorists if you will, and yet, so far, beyond a bunch of congressmen throwing their hands up in the air — no one wants to address the issue logically, much less implement a viable solution.

And, as we'll see after reading her column, neither does Kaye.

A few years back we heard about how overpopulated our country would be in the near future, especially with baby-boomers. Now you know why many might favor euthanasia to get the elderly out of the way. The solution for thinning out the deer population is simple: hunting season has been extended. But somewhere along the line, somebody really got their wires crossed up when the solution for curtailing the people population ended up with millions and millions of immigrants being added to the overall census.

There was a time when we could get an immigrant-huntin' license, go out into the woods and pop some of those bastards in their devious freedom-hating heads. But the liberals in Washington said shooting immigrants wasn't "politically correct!"

Before we can deal with everybody and his brother wanting to come to America, there is going to have to be fewer incentives to make the transition so inviting to foreigners. Why not come to America where fairy tales do come true for everybody except American hard workers?

Remember, hard-working immigrants aren't really hard-working! Only white people can work hard. Everyone else is a lazy welfare queen or a devious job-stealing illegal.

Why should tax dollars from hard-working Americans feather the nests of immigrants?

Because we all know how glamorously migrant workers live.

Our jobs are moving out-of-the-country so fast, they take on the appearance of the Road Runner. Companies go overseas or to Mexico to employ cheap labor, which starts a domino effect. Who wants to makes five dollars a day, when they can make five dollars (or more) an hour, for the same job in America?

All our jobs have gone to Mexico, which is why Mexicans move to America looking for work.

It all makes sense now.

Frankly speaking, it's not a laughing matter when we can't seem to secure our borders whether it's intentional or just plain neglect. Makes one wonder how on earth the United States has been able to win wars in the past — when people in power cannot seem to secure our own borders.

The two atom bombs we lobbed at the Japanese had nothing to do with their surrender- they only took us seriously when we kicked out a bunch of Mexicans.

What other conclusions can most people come up with other than our borders are too lax for ulterior motives? Ulterior motives can mean a lot of things, but in conjunction with such favoritism being shown to foreigners, the motives are suspect at the very least.

It's probably the work of the Illuminati, in conjunction with the Free Masons, working with the Reverse Vampires...

There was a time most Americans were not aware of the things going around them. Many Americans have now been stripped of their blinders and they know what is behind the influx of favoring immigration — by the government. Many believe the borders are ordered to be lax to bring illegal immigrants into America to keep certain people in power. This type of favoritism creates hostility, and does nothing to promote goodwill between most foreigners and Americans.

Neither does writing columns saying immigrants should be shot like dear for stealing our jobs.

While America is a diverse nation, it is also a nation filled to the brim with people wishing to destroy her.

Not just immigrants, but people from Hollywood and Massachusetts too!

And trying to differentiate between good immigrants, and bad immigrants, is similar to trying to find one lone flea in the fur of a Persian cat.

Or like trying to find one lone crab in Kaye's pu... OK, even I'm not that tasteless, please disregard...

The bottom line to curtail the influx of foreigners is so simple anybody with a pea size brain should be able to understand, and comprehend what needs to be done.

Which means it's well, well beyond Kaye's grasp.

First, cut out all of the perks and incentives for foreigners to come to America, and concentrate more on our own citizens.

Just don't provide health insurance for them. In fact, you can let them starve, just as long as the immigrants have it bad too.

Next secure the borders with armed guards who mean business. The notion to provide illegal immigrants with heat packs to stay warm until they can sneak into our country is beyond absurd.

Damn right! Instead, we'll blow them away with guards who are packin' heat!!! Yeeeeah, beee-yotch!

If you want to see how aiding the enemy in action really works, you don't have to look too far beyond our lax borders. We can thank our leaders for allowing terrorists cells to be hiding out here in America — waiting to strike at any moment, because many of them wanted the country to be diverse.

Okay, now that you have a diverse nation... what are you going to do with it?

You're obviously going to dismantle it, because America is a Christian nation, and people from other cultures suck eggs. Duh!

UPDATE: The Poor Man, Kaye's biggest fan (who also graciously links to my past posts on Jen Shroder and Barbara Stock), chimes in on Kaye's latest.

He also ponders the nature of Renew America's columnists:

I fear riding the bus, because there are people on the bus who exist nowhere else in nature. They are generally odd looking, weirdly animated, and carry the distinct odor of - what? peanut butter? feet? Something. Also, they always spot me as the one guy who would be most interested in their theories about the government or why slavery was fun or UFOs or whatever while they breathe all over me the smell of - Kools? wood polish? ketchup? And they are utterly oblivious to any of the usual social cues that this conversation is a bad thing that should never happen, and the only way to make it stop is to get off the bus at the next stop, which is generally somewhere on the set of Death Wish II. I am convinced that these buses all eventually terminate at the Renew America building, where these people are trundled up to Alan Keyes' office and hired on the spot as regular columnists.

Indeed.

Blogger Apostropher also shares his thoughts on Kaye.

UPDATE II!: Blogger Sadly, No! declines my invitation to comment on Kaye's column.

Also, a commentor at Sadly's blog points out that "Grogan" is British slang for "a lump of faeces."

This here's why I love the internet. Not only can freaks like Kaye Grogan get their perspectives seen, but lots of snotty liberals can waste their time trashing said perspectives. Ah, technology...

While I enjoy trashing crazy right-wing sites on this webpage, I think the reaction of the vast majority of Americans to the tsunami crisis, regardless of political stripe, has been extremely admirable.

Ironically, I don't think you'd be seeing this outpouring of giving were it not for 9/11. Before the terror attacks, I think many Americans felt a certain detachment from global disasters. After seeing true devastation before their very eyes, however, it became much easier for people in the U.S. to imagine the horror of catastophes around the world. So many times this week I've heard people say, "My God, it's like 9/11 for those people, but on a far greater scale."

Here's a list of organizations you can donate to for help. Please do so :-)

Brio Magazine (a.k.a., Seventeen for crazed fundamentalists) has posted profiles of "2005's Brio Girls." While this may sound like a porno calender (oh, that it were...), a "Brio Girl" is apparently "someone who represents what Brio stands for — she's devoted to Christ, fun-loving and energetic, committed to family and school and involved in her church and community."

I guess the Brio Girls won't be appearing in any nekkid internet photos. Oh well.

From the introduction:

As you went to school, the possibilities increased of what you could do. You learned how to spell and write your name. Now every piece of paper you wrote on became something you owned because you could put your name on it. You took pride in your name, even if it was difficult to spell...

Let me introduce you to some friends who also go by the name child of God: Jenny, Chansin, Kim and Katie. These teen girls may not recall learning how to spell their name, but they'll never forget the lessons they've learned in discovering who they are.

And because the Bible instructs us to not teach girls how to spell (don't bother looking for it, it's in the back somewhere...), "discovering who they are" is the smartest thing they'll ever do.

Here's the first profile, for J-E-N-N-Y:

J-E-N-N-Y
Age: 17
Hometown: Oldsmar, Fla.
What do you wanna be when you grow up: "Something that combines either youth ministry and counseling or writing and speaking."

Because most jobs require "writing and speaking," I'm going to assume J-E-N-N-Y wants to be a youth counselor.

Let's Pray: "At night, I pray myself to sleep. I pray for the Lord to give me wisdom, guidance, compassion and love toward others. Nighttime isn't the only time I communicate with my heavenly Daddy. We talk all the time. I try to set aside a daily time with Him and write my prayers in a journal. This helps me to stay focused."

Though J-E-N-N-Y's daily time with the Lord was cut short after He obtained a Heavenly Restraining Order.

Said God: "She'd calleth me thrice daily and wouldn't let me go. Then I caught her staring into mine window whilst I watched Monday Night Football. Verily, the girl is cuh-raaaazy!"

Looking for My Knight: "How many times have you heard a girl say, 'Oh, he's so cute!' about a nameless guy she sees from across the room? Don't we tend to operate based on our emotions when it comes to interests in guys?

"Instead we need to look at a guy's character. Does your knight wear his spiritual armor: belt of truth, breastplate of righteousness, helmet of salvation, shield of faith, shoes of peace and the Sword of the Spirit?

Does he wear the G-String of Chastity?

"We shouldn't chase after guys. If it's God's will for one of His princesses to date, then He'll bring that special someone into her life."

And it it's His will that you sit on the couch eating bon-bons your whole life, tough.

Head to the Beach: "Each semester we organize beach outings. Our purpose is to share our faith with the people we meet. We pass out cold water and soda and usually get the opportunity to share a gospel tract or bracelet with someone. As we hand out the cold beverages, people offer to pay and wonder why we'd give these drinks away. We're able to share with them that it's because Jesus' love is free."

Does that mean I can have your stereo too? What about your pet kitten? How much of your stuff does Jesus' love permit me to take?

Our next profile is C-H-A-N-S-I-N:

C-H-A-N-S-I-N
Age: 18
Hometown: Granbury, Texas
What do you wanna be when you grow up: "God is leading me to be a Christian writer."

But unfortunately, no publishing company will heed His decree. So I guess C-H-A-N-S-I-N will have to settle for "crack whore" as a backup.

More Than a Racket
"Last year, I was at the top of my school's varsity tennis team. Every day I lived to practice and play. Then something changed in my heart. The Holy Spirit made me question if tennis was as important as I thought."

Because God doesn't want girls to play sports when they could be at home pleasing their husbands.

"When summer came I daily asked, God, You know I have a passion for tennis. But my passion for You is stronger. If You want me to quit, so I can invest time in other endeavors then please take away my desire to play.

"And God took away my desire to play, so I quit. When my former teammates approached me with questions, I replied, 'It's a God thing!'"

It sounds a lot more like "an LSD thing" to me, but OK.

It's often said "The Lord works in mysterious ways." These two profiles prove that. From advising J-E-N-N-Y to forsake property rights to quashing C-H-A-N-S-I-N's dream of playing tennis, it's damn hard to know what the Big Guy's plan is. Maybe He's just goofing around and the Brio Girls can't take a joke.

Even though Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity get all the (very negative) headlines, FOX News' Saturday Financial Block deserves some special recognition. Where else can you get such brilliant outside-the-box ideas on how to pay for the Iraq war (all emphasis added):

Chana Schoenberger: I have a radical idea. Let's tax those countries that have not been contributing, like the French and the Canadians. Why don't they pay for it? They are sending a few token troops to Afghanistan, but in the meantime the US and the US taxpayer has been shouldering the entire burden of making the world safe for democracy. I don't know how the mechanics of it would work, but I'm sure we could figure it out.

I tip my hat to Ms. Schoenberger. I bet that not one of those groupthinking policy wonks on Capitol Hill ever had the ingenuity to propose taxing other countries to pay for our war.

Not to be outdone, Jim Michaels gives us an idea of what a "tax" against Canada and Europe might look like:

Jim Michaels: I have a suggestion. Let's tax all goods coming in from countries like Germany, France and Russia. A 50 percent tariff and use that money to pay for the war.

Brilliant. Not only would such a tariff be ruled illegal by the World Trade Organization, but it would lead to retaliatory tariffs that would severely harm our exports. The blow to our economy (and the American consumer) from such tariffs would be severe; after all, one major benefit of our current weak dollar has been an increase in American exports.

But no matter. FOX News' job is to propose ideas that make every other Republican policy look sane by comparison.