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Fri, Jan. 14th, 2005, 02:57 pm
Bush's Legacy: How Bad Can It Get?

Well, this qualifies as "a new low":

Iraq has replaced Afghanistan as the training ground for the next generation of "professionalized" terrorists, according to a report released yesterday by the National Intelligence Council, the CIA director's think tank.

Iraq provides terrorists with "a training ground, a recruitment ground, the opportunity for enhancing technical skills," said David B. Low, the national intelligence officer for transnational threats. "There is even, under the best scenario, over time, the likelihood that some of the jihadists who are not killed there will, in a sense, go home, wherever home is, and will therefore disperse to various other countries."

Low's comments came during a rare briefing by the council on its new report on long-term global trends. It took a year to produce and includes the analysis of 1,000 U.S. and foreign experts. Within the 119-page report is an evaluation of Iraq's new role as a breeding ground for Islamic terrorists.

Predicted Bush Administration reactions:

1.) "The National Intelligence Council hates freedom."
2.) "Iraq hasn't really replaced Afghanistan as the major training ground for terrorists- the NIC was just guessing."
3.) "Saddam Hussein was a bad man."
4.) "Things will get better once we invade Syria."

Any other suggestions?

Thu, Jan. 13th, 2005, 02:43 pm
Straighten Out Your Kid, In Five Easy Steps!

How much do I love Amazon.com?

Without them, I'd have had to pay money to read the exciting first chapter of A Parent's Guide to Preventing Homosexuality by Dr. Joseph Nicolosi:



At the very heart of the homosexual condition is conflict about gender. In the boy, we usually see a gender wound that traces back to childhood. He comes to see himself as different from other boys.

So if your son is "different" from other boys, he's likely gay. Discourage his individuality and plop him in front of FOX News all day.

Gender woundedness usually exists as a secret, silent fear- one that the boy's parents and loved ones only vaguely suspect. The boy has felt this way for as long as he can remember. That differentness creates a feeling of inferiority and isolates him from other males.

You'd think that feeling isolated from other males would make you less likely to turn gay, but apparently not! If your child doesn't join the high school football team (where he's forced to participate in "the elephant walk" and other completely non-homoerotic hazing rituals), he's on what Fredreich Hayek called "the Road to Gaydom" (or something like that).

Next, Dr. Joe tells us the tragic story of a woman who called him because her son was "different":

"Doctor... he's a beautiful little boy, a speical child. But..." She hesitated. "Stevie's fascinated by little-girl things. Even more so than my daughters. In fact, he just loves the colors pink and red. He even... well, plays with Barbie dolls, and... dances around the house on tiptoes like a ballerina."

Likes pink, plays with Barbies, shows an interest in ballet... DING! We have three cliched gay stereotypes in one anecdote! That proves it: the kid's a flamer.

As gently as possible, I replied, "The odds are that, without intervention, a boy like Stevie has a 75 percent of growing up homosexual, bisexual or transgender. Gender nonconformity is often a sign of..."

"So that means he'll be a homosexual? Then there's no hope?"

*enter tragic violin music*

"He may, but not necessarily. There's still time to help him feel more comfortable with his maleness."

I'm not sure what this entails. When I want to feel more comfortable with my maleness, I wear loose pants. Ain't nothing worse than a nutsack wedgie. But let's see what Dr. Joe has to say.

Stevie's mom said, "My husband, Bill, is right here. Do you want to talk to him?" She asked her husband to pick up the phone and quickly summarized for him what I had just told her. "Bill, this psychologist says Stevie could become gay."

Put yourself in Bill's shoes. You just got home from a long day of work. Your feet ache. You just wanted a quiet night of Monday Night Football and nachos.

Then your wife calls a nutty fundamentalist crank and tells you your son's gay.

Would you actually pick up the phone and talk to this crazy freakbag?

No, you wouldn't. And that's why you're not Bill.

"So what can we do?" asked the father, his voice gruff. He sounded like a man of action. Then he immediately answered his own question. "We'll come to your office."

I told him that would be a good idea.

Not surprising, since Dr. Joe makes his living by conning parents into paying him to make their kids straight.

Dr. Joe then gives Bill some... interesting... advice on how to make his son more male:

He needs to mirror and affirm his son's maleness. He can play rough-and-tumble games with his son- games that are decidedly different from those he would play with a little girl.

And if you catch him baking a keish quiche*, slap him!

He can help his son learn to throw and catch a ball.

Playing with balls. Very manly indeed.

He can teach his toddler how to pound a wooden peg into a hole in a wooden pegboard.

But make sure to give the pegboard a woman's name, like Jenny, so he doesn't get any funny ideas.

Or he can take his son with him into the shower, where the boy cannot help but noticing that Dad has a male body, just like his.

Two guys showering together... nothing gay about that!

As a result, the son will learn more of what it means to be a man.

So if I don't shower with another dude at least once a week, my masculinity will shrivel up and die.

"This," he will think, "is the way boys- and men- are made."

Actually, he'll probably think, "Why does daddy keep showing me his ding-dong?"

Psychologists call this process "incorporating masculinity into a sense of self" (or "masculine introjection"), and it is an essential part of growing up straight.

Actually, most psychologists call it "inane quackery," but close enough.

The penis is the essential part of masculinity- the unmistakable difference between male and female.

Unless we're talking about Ann Coulter.

This undeniable anatomical difference should be emphasized to the boy in therapy.

"You have a dick!!! DO YOU HEAR ME??!!! A DIIIIIIIIICK!!!!"

As pschyoanalyst Richard Green has noted, the effeminate boy (whom he bluntly calls "the sissy boy") views his own penis as an alien, mysterious object.

While masculine, manly boys take crayons and write "this is my schlong" and and down their penises.

If he does not succeed in "owning" his own penis, he will grow into an adult who will find continuing fascination in the penises of other men.

Either that or he'll sell it to Satan. Which, according to Dr. Joe, just as bad as being gay.

So, as a straight male, what have I learned from this?

1.) Because my dad never forced me to shower with him, I'm probably a closet case.
2.) If I don't wake up every day and proudly declare, "I own my penis," I'm in danger of becoming gay.
3.) If I have a kid, I should teach him to play with his balls.

Thanks, Dr. Joe!

*Thanks, K. Last time I use Google for a spell-checker... ;-)

Thu, Jan. 13th, 2005, 02:18 pm
Educate Yrself

If you want to learn more about Social Security, I recommend reading what Kevin Drum has to say.

I think Social Security is more of a long-term problem than he says it is, but he's very fair and incredibly informative.

Wed, Jan. 12th, 2005, 06:41 pm
Warning: Somewhat Serious Post Ahead

I've been doing some research on social security, and I have to say: I can see where the privatizers are coming from.

Yeah, I know the system isn't in "crisis" like Bush says it is, and the U.S. Treasury bonds that comprise the Social Security Trust Fund are far from "worthless I.O.U.'s." And sure, Medicare is in far, far worse shape.

But the reality is, in order to cash in those Trust Fund bonds, the government is going to need to raise extra money from somewhere, whether it comes from raising taxes or borrowing from foreign creditors. This will, of course, put more drag on our economy.

But in the end, all the well-reasoned privatization arguments of the Cato Institute are moot.

Why, you ask?

Because, no matter how good an idea is, it will be completely ruined if the person in charge of implementing it is George W. Bush.

Brad DeLong seems to be on the same page, and he puts it far more eloquently than I can:

We've seen what Bush administration proposals turn into. We've seen it turn a surplus into a deficit. We've seen its idea of a farm bill. We've seen its steel tariff--bad economics, bad mercantilism, and bad politics. We've seen the recent corporate tax monstrosity. We've seen the Medicare drug benefit. We've heard from Paul O'Neill. We've heard from John DiIulio. The Bush administration is batting as close to a zero on economic policy as an administration can--and economic policy is the bright spot in this administration.

So one's assessment of what the Bush Social Security "reform" plan is going to be must be more-or-less like this: it may look cute and friendly now, but it won't stay cute and friendly for long. Somehow--we're not sure how--it's gonna get mean. It's going to get ugly. And it's going to get stupid. The chances that whatever the Bush administration proposes and the Republican Congressional leadership gets behind will be good for the country are indistinguishable from zero.

Absolutely right. Bush could propose adopting 101 homeless puppies to live in the White House and I'd oppose it. Because, as much as my heart aches for the homeless puppies, I know Bush would forget to feed them.

Wed, Jan. 12th, 2005, 02:52 pm
Yo! Satan Iz Wack!

Yo, yo, yo!

The American Family Association wants you to check this new cartoon that makes learning about God mad dope:



HoopDogz follows the life of a 9-year-old pup named V.J. Bumpus who lives in the small urban neighborhood of Wobble Hill with his mother, Yorleen, and his baby brother, Hudney. V.J. spends most of his time with his two best friends -- Weiner, who is flighty, and Trina, who is level-headed. The three share a passion for basketball and enjoy shooting hoops with their pals behind the local HoopDogz Diner, home of the world's first circular hotdog.

Leave aside for a second that a 9-year-old dog is not technically be a "puppy."

Don't you think V.J. Bumpus bares a striking resemblance to Homer Simpson's failed alter-ego, Poochie?



I'd say "expect a lawsuit," but since nobody really cares about either Poochie of HoopDogz, I doubt we'll see it.

But with Rupert Murdoch's rampant greed, who knows?

Anyway, back to HoopDogz:

V.J.'s Grandpa Moe, who operates the diner, keeps an eye on the pups as their real-life experiences teach them biblical truths based on the Ten Commandments.

Rumors that Carey Roberts has been cast to voice Grandpa Moe could not be confirmed at this time.


"Women are wicked and duplicitous, V.J., don't you forget it!"

The first lesson learned by Chad Dimple and Rebecca Ruth St. Ester Eve alongside V.J. and his friends focuses on the second commandment that is presented in the series' first episode titled, "God Good, Idols Bad."

The second episode is called, "God Good, You No Need Grammar."

The episode opens with the concert of music idol Mad Doggy Dog. V.J. and Weiner are seen bowing down to the rock star as he performs on television. V.J. spends all of his saved allowance to buy a Mad Doggy Dog action figure, leaving him no money to buy his mother a birthday present.

Mad Doggy Dog is most famous for his hit "Kibblez and Juice," with the lyrics:

"Spend so much time humpin' L-E-G's,
It's kinda hard bein' Mad D-O-single-G,
But I, somehow, someway,
Find a new ass to sniff nearly every single day."

You won't hear any of these songs in the first HoopDogz episode, but you can buy Drop It Like It's 2 Hott for TV: The Hoopdogz Outtakes if you want all the dirty stuff.

V.J. values the figurine as a prized possession and decides it would be even more perfect if adorned with a personal autograph from Mad Doggy Dog.

So V.J., Weiner, and Trina go to the local Wobble Hill venue where Mad Doggy Dog is performing in concert and do all they can to get an autograph. After a failed attempt, the dogs are allowed in Mad Doggy Dog's dressing room where they anxiously await his return only to find that he is nothing more than a fake.

Specifically, Mad Dog was mackin' it with a bunch of bitches (literally).

"I was worried about a great big phony, and I ignored the person I cared about most," V.J. says after forgoing his mother's surprise birthday party in order to get Mad Dog's autograph.

But then he found a sex tape for sale on Ebay featuring Mad Dog and his mom and he felt less bad.

Chad Dimple and Rebecca Ruth St. Ester Eve learn the same lesson after attempting to sell statues of their own heads as a reminder not to have idols.

...

Uuuuuuuuh...

Trina sets them straight, and everyone learns the importance of only worshiping the one true God.

As a conclusion to the episode, V.J. and the Wobble Hill gang are very straightforward in their message of the Ten Commandments and present a biblical account directly from Exodus.

Oo, oo, I hope it's Exodus 21:17 ("And he that curseth his father, or his mother, shall surely be put to death.")!

"God loves people so much He gave some basic rules to keep us safe and live good, happy lives," Grandpa Moe says. "When we have the one true God in our lives, there is no need for man-made substitutes."

"Unless he's president George W. Bush!"

At any rate, this is only the first of ten HoopDogz episodes. The remaining nine will deal with the rest of the Commandments, including adultery (in "Yo' Mama's a Ho, V.J.," V.J. catches his mom freaking with the mailman) and murder (in "Your Squeaky Toy or Your Life," V.J. busts a cap in the head of a rival posse's leader).

Word!

Tue, Jan. 11th, 2005, 06:00 pm
Satan's Crabs Have Infested Our Billboards!

Here's another useful campaign from the American Family Association:

Increasingly, offensive billboards are popping up in towns all across America. Particularly, radio stations use this medium to promote their station with scantily clad photos and offensive language.

As we all know, offensive language is a great way to promote your station. I used to promote my college show with the slogan, "Fucking Tune Me In, You Cunts!"

AFA suggests two ways to address offensive billboards in the local community, particularly radio station boards that contain sexual content: Industry approach and local approach.

Both involve being annoying and lame, however.

The industry approach

Pro-Family Leaders representing 30 million U.S. families have met with the Executive Board of the Outdoor Advertiser Association of America (OAAA) and presented the following "Code of Ethical Conduct" to the OAAA and requested all of their members to make this code their corporate policy.

If 30 million American families are really this insulted by dirty billboards, shouldn't that lead to a drop in the offending companies' sales?

Oh wait, I forgot that businesses are more interested in destroying the American family than turning a profit.

Because outdoor advertising is an influential medium with a high profile in our urban, suburban and rural environments, and thus has a major impact on the standards, lifestyles and quality of life of our communities, the members of this association will not display ads that:

-Present children in a sexual pose or situation.

Since I'm pretty sure that this qualifies as kiddie porn, I don't think we have to worry too much about it.

-Show contours of male genitals pressing against underwear or other tight clothing.

Like... this???



BWAH-HA-HA!!! I FORCED YOU TO STARE AT A GIANT CROTCH!!!!

-Focus on or emphasize the genital or pubic area, buttocks or female breast.


Naughty, naughty!



Evil Calvin Klein! How dare you make us look at attractive women!

-Show, give appearance of, describe or suggest urination, excretory activities or explicit sexual conduct.

This is referring to Folgers' ill-advised "so warm and fresh, it's like smearing crap on your face" campaign.

-In addition, because of the urban blight, increased crime and decreased property values proven to be caused by sexually oriented businesses such as adult bookstores, "gentleman's clubs" or striptease shows (as judicially noted by the U.S. Supreme Court in the case of Renton v. Playtime Inc., 1986), we will not accept advertisements from such businesses.

"And because images of black people scare us and hurt our property values, we want them off billboards too."

OAAA members own 90% of all billboards in the U.S. and the following procedure was agreed upon by OAAA members when dealing with citizen complaints:

-Take three (3) photos of the offensive billboard, keeping one (1) for your records.

-Obtain the name of the billboard company, address, phone, etc., that owns the billboard.

Man, being an uptight prude is so... time-consuming...

-Obtain the exact address of the billboard's location, including city and state... a nation-wide file is being accumulated.

That's gotta be a fun portfolio. Thousands and thousands of groin close-ups... *shudders*

Anyway, that was the "corporate approach" to whining about dirty billboards. Here's the "local approach":

The local approach

The most common offensive billboards are those placed by the local rock radio stations. Most often, the station implies or uses women's breasts to hype the "morning crew."

After all, most men listen to the radio for one reason: to watch breasts.

By using the following suggestions, it is possible to encourage the radio station to remove or change the billboard.

It's possible, but most of the time they'll laugh at your silly ass.

You must be prepared to dedicate yourself to winning this battle. It will require hard work, but our children's welfare is worth it!

You must be out of your goddamned mind! You must look like you live in a bombed-out pharmaceutical factory!

-Contact the station manager and politely ask him to remove or change it to better reflect community standards. (In reality, you can expect plenty of excuses and no promises, but at least you tried.)

You can also expect to be called "an uptight fuckwad" and have your call mocked on the boob-loving morning show.

-Begin a letter writing campaign to advertisers who are on the station. Ask them to distance themselves from being associated with stations that promote pornographic messages.

Don't go to work or contribute anything useful to society. Spend all your time crusading against breasts on a billboard. Mortgage your house if you must.

-Consider taping and reviewing the advertised morning show for content. Monitor the show for indecent sexual language, then file a formal complaint against the station with the Federal Communications Commission.

Bottom line: your child's future depends on how much of a pain in the ass you can be to everyone else.

Mon, Jan. 10th, 2005, 08:20 pm
"The Rod," Part Two

Here's the actual advertisement for "The Rod," America's favorite child-smacking device:

Read more...Collapse )

Mon, Jan. 10th, 2005, 01:27 pm
Everybody Must Get Stoned

The Boston Globe reports that fundamentalist Christian catalogs are selling specialized "rods" you can use to whack your disobedient child:

On a spring day, Susan Lawrence was flipping through a magazine, Home School Digest, when she came across an advertisement that took her breath away. In it, "The Rod," a $5 flexible whipping stick, was described as the "ideal tool for child training."

"Spoons are for cooking, belts are for holding up pants, hands are for loving, and rods are for chastening," read the advertisement she saw nearly two years ago for the 22-inch nylon rod. It also cited a biblical passage, which instructs parents not to spare the "rod of correction."

That is too cool.

But why stop at rods? I've got an idea that'll make a fortune:

GOT SINNERS IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD?

Wanna make 'em repent... in public?

You can bring 'em to their knees in accordance with God's will with the help of the authentic Old Testament Public Stoning Kit!


Above: Stones bearing messages of God's love.

It's easy! It's fun! It's Bible-approved! Check out what God commanded the Israelites to do to an adulterous woman:

"Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die: because she hath wrought folly in Israel, to play the whore in her father's house: so shalt thou put evil away from among you." (Deuteronomy 22:21)

The Israelites enacted God's will through their legal system: and now you can too!

While Jesus did stop people from stoning an adulterer to death in John 8:7 ("He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her."), we've figured a way around this loophole: if all parties involved take communion prior to the stoning (thus absolving them of their sins), they will be without sin and ready to stone!

For just $19.95, we'll send you a sack of 20 stones, each hand-crafted for maximum cranial impact! For just another five dollars, we'll throw in a do-it-yourself communion kit, complete with wafers and wine chalice! Extra bags of stones are only two dollars apiece!

Let's hear what some of our clients had to say about The Old Testament Public Stoning Kit:


Barbara Stock, registered nurse: "We had a coupla Godless Democrats holding Kerry signs at our town hall this November. In the old days, we'd have had to get a 'stoning permit' from the mayor to chuck rocks at their hedonist asses. The Stoning Kit made everything so easy, and now my town is populated only by Republicans!


Jen Shroder, crazed mother: "Me and my friends went hunting for Satanists in my neighborhood. In the old days, you'd have to have a trial, and the witches would get off easy by being burned to death. The Old Testament Stoning Kit stripped away all the bureaucracy, and now my neighborhood is pure again!


Carey Roberts, smelly old crank: "I'm really really old!! Feminists have ruined my life!!!"

Because selling rocks for the purpose of stoning is "illegal" under secular law, this offer will not last long! Order now, before we go to jail!

The Old Testament Public Stoning Kit: Stops Sinners Stone Cold!


UPDATE: These bastards beat me to it. Oh well. I've got the folks at Renew America endorsing my version at least.

Sat, Jan. 8th, 2005, 01:06 pm
SMACKDOWN: Christian Wingnuts v. Islamic Wingnuts

Over at Renew America, Barbara Stock mocks crazy Islamic conspiracy theories, apparently not appreciating the irony of it all:



Muslims say the most amazing things
Barbara J. Stock
January 7, 2005

I suggest to my readers that each day they seek out an Islamic website and read at least one article that is posted there. I have been asked by friends, "Where do you find this drivel?" Well, I actively seek out this "drivel." It is the only way to know what is going on in the minds of two main branches of Islam. The first branch, made up of elite Muslims, is the one feeding the fertilizer it passes off as truth to the second branch, the Muslim masses.

This is the same way I study American wingnuts: I look at what the elite nutters at Townhall.com and World Net Daily are saying and then watch the second-tier wingnut masses at Renew America and Men's News Daily pick it up and make it even loonier.

One Islamic blog just recently posted an article about how evil American soldiers partnered with evil American physicians, are rampaging across Iraq killing people for the sole reason of stealing and selling their internal organs to horrible, greedy Americans. The blog reported that a "top secret" European military intelligence group told a Syrian newspaper all about it and claimed Fallujah was littered with mutilated Iraqi bodies with their internal organs stolen!

One wingnut posted an article recommending we nuke Iran after reading a story in The Weekly World News.

Now before you laugh, there will be Muslims who will read this article about organ theft and they will believe every word in that article. Just the simple logistics of such an undertaking makes the entire idea laughable to people who understand what goes into transplanting a viable kidney or heart. However, to the uneducated, it will seem plausible. Of course, the article was written and then plastered up on Islamic sites to enrage uneducated Muslims and convince them that Americans are just animals that must to be killed for the good of humanity. Of course, only Muslims are considered "human."

But when you write articles about starting a "final crusade" against Islam, that's OK.

One of the themes of this "be careful or some American will steal your kidney" tripe is that Iraqi organs are taken for profit. I refer all Muslims to The National Organ Transplant Act (Public Law 98-507) which forbids the sale of any organ. Prison time awaits anyone caught trying to sell any human organ. Is no consideration given to how extremely fragile human organs make the trip from Iraq to the United States? Are they sent via Federal Express or by regular mail?

Now, I don't believe the United States is stealing Iraqis' organs. But that doesn't make Barbara any less retarded. Evidence:

1.) If the U.S. government wanted to steal Iraqis' organs for profit, I doubt any domestic law would stop them. After all, we have laws against torturing people too. Look how much good that did.

2.) Barbara has never heard of courier services, which make money by shipping human organs for transplant.

And that's not the worst of it! Wait 'til you hear what she says next:

The final word on this topic is this: kidneys taken from Iraqis probably would not be suitable for the average American of European decent. This is not because Iraqi kidneys are inferior, but because of the simple fact that people are genetically more similar to people of their own ethnicity.

Excuse me for a second- I just shat out my brains and have to clean them off the chair...

*scrape-scrape* *splat-splat*

Oh man, does this smell bad...

*plop-plop* *FWWWWWUMP!*

One more piece of irony before I pass out: if you look at Barbara's bio, you'll discover she's a registered nurse. If there's a better argument against limiting damages on medical malpractice lawsuits, I haven't heard it.

OK, that's about all I can take from Rewew America for a while. Plus, I have to find a new brain somewhere. Better make sure it's of American or European "decent," though, I'd hate to have an organ from someone not of my ethnicity.

Sat, Jan. 8th, 2005, 10:54 am
BradBlog is Open for Business!

This is just awesome:

Seeking to build support among black families for its education reform law, the Bush administration paid a prominent black pundit $240,000 to promote the law on his nationally syndicated television show and to urge other black journalists to do the same.

The campaign, part of an effort to promote No Child Left Behind (NCLB), required commentator Armstrong Williams "to regularly comment on NCLB during the course of his broadcasts," and to interview Education Secretary Rod Paige for TV and radio spots that aired during the show in 2004.

Williams said Thursday he understands that critics could find the arrangement unethical, but "I wanted to do it because it's something I believe in."

The top Democrat on the House Education Committee, Rep. George Miller of California, called the contract "a very questionable use of taxpayers' money" that is "probably illegal." He said he will ask his Republican counterpart to join him in requesting an investigation.

While some people may look with horror as our government pays pundits to spew its propaganda, I see this as an opportunity.

I need money to get me through grad school. The Bush Administration needs to pay people to promote its crappy policies. Let's do business.

Because BradBlog 3000 only reaches about 20 people (most of whom either live in the U.K. or won't support your ideas anyway), my bribes will be far less expensive than the $240,000 you paid Williams. Here are my rates (open to negotiation, of course):

-$5 per post promoting Social Security privatization (face it, you're gonna need all the help you can get)

-$7 per post scolding the heartless liberal media for covering only the bad news in Iraq while not covering the painting of another Iraqi school

-$2 per post that shifts blame for any Bush Administration scandal onto Bill Clinton and/or the liberal media

-$10 per post promoting abstinence-only education... make that $15, actually... that's gonna be really painful...

-$20 per post referring to America as "a Christian Nation."

Whatcha think, guys? E-mail me at brad.reed@gmail.com. Let's talk.

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